Morgana's Journal

Did I Take A Step Too Far?
It is one thing, than another which spurs us on to question so much, fear so much and wish not to do the will of the gods and of fate. I know that Her will includes the things I see happening now, and that it is Her will Gawain suffers so. But I hate it all the same, that he is destined to this path and we must see him through it as only we can.

I wonder sometimes if this is a test not only for Gawain, but for myself, to see if I would watch another suffer beyond even the suffering in Arthur's last days as king. I know not why it is to be, and why I cannot tell him at least of his destiny, but the time is not right for it.

And as of yet, parts of that destiny remain so clouded. One of his sons now, saved with the others from a fading world we will soon never touch again, along with Ragnell who despite her love for Gawain and his love for her, would put us at a greater danger than we had ever known. A new son then, born of another woman of like blood? Or Gawain himself?

The last of these, I believe most likely, and when one looks to the things which now plague him, it is proof of nothing else than that the Testing has begun. Had I the strength, the power to stop it, to overthrow all things, I would do so.

And yet, I do not try. The Godess is in me, a part of me and I might be her at any time as I have before, but I do not exercise Her power to stop this. Why do I not? Because I know it is meant to be? Or because I am afraid to try?

I love him. Oh not in that way, don't get excited, but I have come to care for him greatly in the way one loves a friend. I love him and yet, I do not take these steps. Is it because I cannot, or simply because I do not try?

I know enough the disaster that may occur if I do intervene, try to use what power I have against this, challenge the gods themselves, when the lot of us may well die from the war it would bring, greater than the ones which split Arthur's table.

But if I do nothing and Gawain goes on to his destiny as planned...

Individual suffering is always less important than the good of all, even when it is one you care for, isn't it? I find that I no longer know, that I no longer can and I hate it. I hate all of this, the games, the lying, the double and triple lives I am forced to take up, the pretending that I do understand this, or Her will, when it is so obvious no one, not even Lord Merlin can understand.

I'm tired, so tired and it's hardly over yet as this New Round Table begins to form. Her will as to my path in all of this is impossible to comprehend, as the suffering men are put through for thier destinies begins.

...I don't know anymore. I just don't know...

Current Mood: worried

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